I need to speak to all THREE of YOU - Dealing with Shame and Guilt
It’s not a popular feeling (who likes feeling guilty and
ashamed? – NO ONE) and usually people
would deliberately try to focus on
something else, on something positive and “forget” about whatever makes them
feel guilty and ashamed and in some cases even deny the truth… But somewhere along the road, guilt and shame
will always catch up with you…. unless you learn to really let them go.
That’s what happened to me. I found myself feeling guilty
and ashamed for things that have happened to me in the past and I felt guilty
and ashamed for things I’ve done in the past. For many years I told myself – “it
was not that bad” or “it could have been worse” or “I’m glad I’m no longer that
person” or I just simply denied that it ever happened (that is no way of
living), but I didn’t allow myself to deal with the reason or the root of why I
am feeling guilty and ashamed. So… I got up and I went to God and said – "I need
to speak with You, all three of You" (God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy
Spirit).
I love how God is a relational God. He loves it when we
speak to Him and He responds in such beautiful and caring ways. Like the verse –
Hebrews 4:16 came to mind when I said I needed to speak with Him. – it says – approach
the throne of Grace with confidence and there you will receive mercy for your
weakness and grace for your time in need – and this verse just gave me so much
comfort and I knew I can lay it all before God. Even as I am typing this,
another verse comes to
mind - even if
you feel guilty, God is greater than your feelings and knows everything (1 John
3:20).
THE "CARD" EXCHANGE
Anyway, I saw myself in the throne room, God before me, the
image changed to me sitting on God’s lap and then it changed again where we
were all sitting around a table with cards in our hands. In my hands I held the
cards SHAME AND GUILT. I laid it on the table saying – I lay my guilt and shame
before You, do you have something in return for me?
I saw how Father, Jesus and
the Spirit exchanged looks, looked at the cards in their hands, smiled and
revealed to me what they were holding – they were holding cards LOVE and GRACE. This exchange was so beautiful but
it wasn’t over yet because even though God gave me grace and love in return for
my shame and guilt, I still had to deal with the root – how did I get the cards
in the first place?
I revisited some memories
– searching for Jesus in those memories because His word clearly states that He
will never leave me, nor will He forsake me (Hebrews 13:15).
The first memory, I saw Him, standing, and keeping His eyes
on me and then “protecting me” in the moment.
The next memory I searched for Jesus again, and I saw Him standing
behind me, listening to me as I denied the truth (it makes me think of when
Peter denied Jesus (who is the Truth) three times, and Jesus just looked at
Him)… at first I felt bad and I remember that shame and guilt does not come
from God, so I pressed in a little deeper to listen what Jesus had to say –
that’s when I saw Jesus putting his hand on my shoulder and He said – “we will
deal with this later”. Jesus is really patient because only 10 years later we
are properly dealing with it. The surface was scratched a few years ago but looking
back now, I realized I wasn’t mature enough to deal with it all at once. This
time was different.
I had to revisit memories that I was not fond of, allow
myself to feel the shame and guilt, be honest with myself and THEN… FORGIVE
MYSELF and even FORGIVING anyone else that formed part of the memory.
I saw my younger self in a wilderness, confused and lost, as
if she has been stuck and when I forgave her, everything became clear. In the
other memory where I had to face the denial and be honest, I saw myself in a
type of “freeze frame” everything and everyone was standing still but when I
confronted the lie, deciding to be honest, apologizing for what I have done, everything
unfroze, like a school bell that rang and everyone and everything was moving again.
I was back at the table and I was able to take the cards and
now, when I think of those memories or the people involved, I no longer feel
guilty or ashamed… I feel liberated!
I NEVER ALLOWED MYSELF TO HEAL
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| “silhouette of woman standing with cloudy sky” by Joshua Fuller on Unsplash |
The awesome thing is – the “Cards” LOVE AND GRACE was
revealed to me before revisiting the memories. Jesus didn’t say – Go do “that” first and THEN
you will receive “this” – NO – He already gave me LOVE AND GRACE. At the end, after revisiting my memories, I got another card – FREEDOM.
To deal with Shame and Guilt I had to, with the grace of
God):
- - Acknowledge the feelings
- - Confront it and dig deeper – where does it come from? What is causing me to feel this?
- - Be honest – what are the facts?
- - FORGIVENESS - Forgive myself, Forgive anyone else that may play a part, asking Jesus for forgiveness
- - Accept and Let it go
Truly, where the Spirit of the Lord is – there is FREEDOM and the SPIRIT OF TRUTH will set you FREE.
What are you ashamed about? Who or what is causing you to
feel guilty? Have you taken steps to becoming free of it?
With God, all things are possible!
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